The Bah-Humbug thread!

AP, UP, PP - [Washington D.C.] In a report from the senate subcommittee on Useless Festive Overindulgences (UFO), 37.695% of Christians believe that December 25 commemorates the historic birth date of Joshuah ben Joseph of Galilee [aka. Jesus Christ]. This confirms the suspicions of the medical community that human intelligence is adversely affected by mistletoe and repeated audio assaults of dogs barking Jingle Bells.

Senator Jacob Marley (d) from Massachusetts, in a speech to a group of disenfranchised Druid wedding planners, explained his proposal of a flat Yuletide Tax to counteract the negative psychological effects of the season. In bill 15734.v.3 now before congress, Sen. Marley suggests additional information be added to annual income tax returns collected by the Department of Internal Revenue. This information would consist of necessary living expenses, including, but not limited to, food, clothing, shelter, contributions to his campaign fund and strawberry flavored condoms. These expenses would be deducted from the person's gross taxable income which would then be collected by the federal government, resulting in what he euphemistically refers to as the " Economic Christmas Present". These moneys, also called "disposable income" by some economists, would be distributed to large retail corporations who would ship proportionate amounts of random merchandise to the taxpayer's address.

Many of the President's economic advisers believe it is the only way to stabilize the wildly fluctuating spending in the last quarter of the year, experienced by Americans since the end of the second world war. This would also allow television advertising to return to the more educational topics of beer and Vin Deisel movies, instead of the mind-numbing banter of baritone elves and hermaphroditic Santa Clauses.

The white house refused to comment specifically on the pending legislation but they did say that anything to promote the belief that Religious Festivals were patriotic, was a positive influence on our youth and would fully support the distribution of "Bratz" dolls and "Grand Theft Auto" [Playstation AND Xbox versions] to bolster national morality.

Several representatives of various religious organizations were also present and endorsed the speech as truly bipartisan. They said the bill would easily remove the last vestiges of Christianity from the season, taking Christmas from the realm of myth to folklore. While Senator Marley did not understand their reasoning and believed them to be raving maniacs, he did accept an invitation to a lavish fund-raising gala immediately following his appearance.

Samantha Seasonality, from the Coalition for Holiday Inequities, opposed the bill and pointed out that by having everyone receive uniform amounts of "gifts" on the 25th of December, it would give the lower classes a false sense of equality. She went on to say that these lower class individuals might want equity in other areas of their lives as well, including access to yacht clubs, broadband internet connections and Donald Trump's hair stylist.

After one of the Senator's assistants shot Miss Seasonality, the group adjourned the meeting and passed out brightly wrapped packages of brand name pharmaceuticals. The bill should pass through congress and be on the President's desk by the first of the year.

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The Bah-Humbug thread!